What If
by JoseJalapenoOnAStick
Summary: What would happen if the world turned to Jello? Jacob Black would eat it of course, silly. Read hillarious, short stories like this!
1. Chapter 1

What If

Jacob Black gets fleas

"Jacob Black, get back in this room now!" Bella screamed as she and Edward tried to commandeer the very naked Jacob back to the bath tub.

"Never!" Jacob yelled back and he continued to streak through the house. Jacob skid to a halt in Rosalie's room and locked the door. Edward and Bella ran head first into the wall but didn't seem to care.

"Don't let that mutt in my-"Rosalie started to say but stopped, realizing that her luck had run out. Jacob Black was in _her _room during God knows what, in her sanctuary, her one small slice of peace and quite.

Rosalie tried to knock down her own door. "Get out of my room, you stinking, naked, filthy-MUTT,"

"Rose, that won't work, its missile proof glass remembers?" Edward asked and he taped the wall, it makes a soft tinkering sound.

"Yes, but it isn't Rose-proof."

Jacob was now hiding under the covers on Rosalie's triple big bed. He quivered and swatted at something that was crawling up his face.

"Stupid parasite," he mumbled.

"What did you call me?" Rosalie demanded and she banged on the glass.

"Not you, the fleas," Jacob amended and he picked another off his ear. He picked up a can of Rosalie's hairspray off the table and took a lighter out off of her nightstand."

"You've got fleas?" Rosalie laughed.

"Not just fleas, but ticks and lice too," Bella said and she tapped on the door.

"Jake, don't do anything drastic, we'll get rid of the fleas, the flea bath will work, I promise."

"No it won't, we already tried that remember? That ended up with me, here, getting ticks on the blonde's bed, butt naked."

"Ticks on my bed?" Rosalie shouted and she sat down in shame on the floor.

"Hey blonde bear, why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? Because the sign said do not walk."

"I've heard that one a bazillion times dog."

"Fine then, one more, why did the blonde try to steal the police car? Because she saw the numbers "911" on it and thought it was a Porsche."

"Wow, and original for once" Rosalie sighed.

Jacob, sighed too and said, "I am not getting naked again, or taking a stupid flea bath." And with that he raised the flamethrower to hair.

"AHHHHH" Jacob screamed as he ran head ablaze, through the house, to the bathroom where the tub was filled with flea bath. He jumped in and sighed as the medicine cured his fleas and his burning face.

"He's just lucky he didn't turn out as Two-Face." Bella said.

But Rose was running, and screaming, and laughing hysterically.

"Want to know why blonde jokes are so short? So, werewolves with fleas can remember them." She yelled.


	2. If you buy a Rnesmee a goldfish

What if

Charlie got Renesmee a pet goldfish?

(RPOV)

I had promised Charlie that I would take care of something that he gave to me. It wasn't anything that special, but I should have treated it better, and maybe, just maybe if I _did_ remember not to eat it, things could have worked out between me and Mr. Gold.

Exactly one hour ago Charlie had brought something for me. It was in a clear plastic vase and was swimming around idly. I looked fascinated as the little fish starred at me.

"This is for you Nessie" Charlie had told me and I gratefully accepted the vase. The goldfish was a tiny little thing, and wow, it looked lazy.

"Thank you Grandpa," I said, "I'm going to put him in the house, right now."

"Your welcome sweetie, now take care, I got an appointment with Billy, we're going fishing," he added proudly.

"Bye-bye," I said and I closed the door carefully. I stared at the little fish; it was gold and silver and had small googly eyes that scanned the cage, no doubt looking for food.

"Oh, I know what to do with you, little fishy," I said and I took him into the kitchen.

I ran into mom's room and searched in her closet. I was immediately lost among all of the clothes that Auntie Alice had put in there so I had to retrace my steps back to the exit. This time I crawled among the hems of the clothes until I found an old, leather back, hard cover book. It had an inscription in Italian on it which I noticed said, _Cooking with a Passion_.

I blew off some of the dust and started to crawl out of the closet. As I crawled I remembered an old War World II movie I had watched a few nights ago with Jacob. "Boom!" I yelled and pretended to duck, "Private, private, I think we're in a bit of trouble, this movie has no sound!" I was thankful that I was alone in the house; they would think the FBI was outside our house if I went shouting this in public.

"Noooooooooo, Officer Dan? Officer Dan?" I begged into the invisible walky-talky. I grabbed the cookbook, and with one last dramatic pounce, made it out of the war zone.

"Officer Dan, we made a lot of progress today, but we lost a lot of men." Well, by men I guess you could say dust bunnies. I laughed and sat down on my mom's huge white bed. I opened the cook book and it creaked with protest.

"Tell it to somebody who cares," I said and I searched to the romantic section of the cookbook. I could tell this part was barely, if ever, used at all. There where no dog eared creases at the top of the pages and the book felt stiff and unwelcome.

I looked up, 'how to cook fish.'

Author's Note- I know I know, it's short, but they're short stories, sorry folks. The next one will be longer, I promise. Hey read and review, will you? Its lonely here… at the top. Also, like always read my story "Naked Cowboy". Oh and if somebody knows where I got Officer Dan, then you will be mentioned next chapter! Thank you!


	3. Spiderman and giant scissors

What if

Emmett meets duct tape?

"Hurry up!" Edward called to Alice as she crawled under the sink in the huge kitchen.

"It's not here Edward." She shouted back.

"Its duct tape, not the holy grail," Edward retorted.

"It's not Emmett's brain either, that, my brother, is impossible to find."

"Wait. Rosalie had the duct tape last." Edward said and he started to race out of the kitchen and flew up the stairs. Alice met him there, a second later, covered in dust and cleaning products.

"Why would Rosalie have it?" Alice asked.

"Why do you think?" Edward asked and he pointed to the dent in the floor as if she needed another clue, "oh," Alice said and she grabbed the duct tape off of Rosalie's broken bed. Alice raced Edward until they hit the stairs, there she pushed him and he tumbled down the first dozen steps before regaining his balance and jumping down the last set.

Alice said "Oops, sorry, it was an accident," And dodged his neatly placed punch.

"Oh shut up, we've got to surprise him." Edward went over and opened the door open a crack. Alice joined him and she crawled through the opening in the door. Emmett, sure enough, was laying on the couch, with his eyes closely focused on the TV. Alice snuck up behind, and did a flip over the couch and landed in front of him.

"Emmett?" Alice asked innocently and gave him a set of eyes that could have made a puppy cry.

"Yes?" Emmett asked and he tried to look over her shoulder at the game, with no success.

"Me and Eddy wanted to play a game, and you have got to join."

"But I'm watching a football game, the Gators are winning." Emmett pleaded and he gestured toward the TV.

"All you have to do is stand against the wall." Alice said and she grabbed his arm.

"Oh great. Either you two will kill me, or Rose will. She hates when I get all messy."

"No, you won't get messy," Alice begged and she walked Emmett over to the wall.

"Okay, fine," Emmett agreed and he put his hands up in a classic Han-Solo-frozen-in-Carbonite position.

"Edward!" Alice called and Edward came out from behind the door, duct tape in hand.

"Oh, this is going to be fun!" Emmett laughed, catching on to the game at once.

Edward pulled the duct tape off with a sharp noise and Emmett called, "Wait I got a better idea." he flew out of the room and didn't reappear for several minutes. Edward was about to ask, but Alice just held up a finger to silence him. Emmett burst into the room a second later. Emmett was carrying a whole line of chairs. He had several dozen in his hands and had taped four or five to his feet, making him several feet taller.

He then placed the chairs in two small piles that Edward and Alice could climb up onto and reach the ceiling. Emmett pointed toward the skies.

"Duct tape me up there" he commanded.

"Yeah!" Alice sang and she did a little Irish jig before hoping onto one of the piles of chairs.

"Nice" Edward said and he started to run toward the chairs but Emmett jumped onto him.

"No, carry me!" Emmett pleaded and he kicked Edward in the stomach. Edward laughed and scaled the chairs.

"Emmett, you're so heavy," He said in a mocking voice.

Emmett laughed too and he jumped off Edward's back when they reached the top. Edward grabbed on of Emmett's arms and Alice grabbed the other. Emmett was spread eagle, half hanging, half pinned from the ceiling of the very, very high house. Edward stretched out more of the duct tape and taped Emmett's wrists. Alice stole it and taped his arms.

Soon, Emmett was suspended, completely from duct tape, from the ceiling. Alice and Edward laughed and jumped off the chair to admire their work.

"This is great! I fell like Spider-man!" Emmett said.

"Yup, and you look like a dork, a dork, suspended from the ceiling, covered in duct tape."

"Okay, you've had your fun, now cut me down." Emmett called.

"You know what Edward?" Alice asked.

"Yes, sister?"

"I could really use an elk shake right about now."

"I agree." Edward answered, and with that, they skipped out of the room.

"Wait," Emmett called. But Alice and Edward where already outside, "I can't see the TV!" and with that he sighed and wished, that he wasn't Spider-man, but a pair of really big scissors.


	4. Emmett crashed Mr Jeep?

What if

Emmett crashed Mr. Jeep

The music blast as the monstrous red jeep sped two hundred miles per hour on the twenty mile speed limit road. Emmett turned the music up even louder and the speakers shook the car so it jerked back and forth. Renesmee shook her hair out and slapped Emmett a high five. She smiled and tried to tune out some of the unwanted music, to no prevail.

"Emmett?" she tried to scream over the music, "I can't hear myself think."

Emmett gave her a dirty look and turned the music all the way up. The sound blocked out everything but the small dinks as rocks hit the windshield. Emmett was now driving more violently. He swerved onto and off of the road at ease and ignored the spider web cracks that were forming on the glass.

Renesmee tried again. "Emmett turn this down right now!" she growled. Emmett simply looked at her and then back at the weathered road. Renesmee, sick of the nonsense, slammed her fist into the radio. The music broke off and the truck stopped twitching.

"What did you do that for monster?" Emmett growled. Renesmee shrugged her shoulders.

"I was getting a headache."

"I thought you liked my music."

"Emmett I enjoy listening to music, which I was before, right before you turned it up so I couldn't even hear it anymore." Renesmee answered.

"Fine be like that." Emmett said and he starred toward the road again. Renesmee looked out of the window toward the wildlife that was scurrying away in fear of becoming road kill.

Suddenly a huge grizzly bear stumbled out of the woods. He looked around, looking for the source of the disturbance. He spotted the huge jeep and let out a feral growl. Renesmee looked out and gasped.

"Ooooh, look Emmett, a bear."

Emmett looked out her window and yelled, "Holy crap, it's a big one, I want it!" and he swerved off the road, and onto the wild terrain. The bear broke into a run and darted through two large cedars. Emmett tried to follow it but failed to realize that he was driving the truck equilivant of Frankenstein. He crashed into the large trees. One fell onto the hood while the other set of a chain reaction, leaving a huge domino pattern of downed trees.

Emmett jumped out of the wreckage and ran after the huge animal. Renesmee unbuckled her seat belt; she had the conscious to actually wear one, and got out. She checked out the vehicle to see the damage. Four shot tires, no hood, roof crinkled like a piece of paper, and the bumper got a mouthful of leaves.

"Emmett, you big baboon, you killed the trees!"

Suddenly Emmett appeared out of the trees, his shirt was ripped and he was covered in a lot of blood. His mouth was full of the red liquid and his hands were soaked with mud.

"So?" he asked.

Renesmee looked like she'd rather kill him (or better yet sick Al Gore on him) then discuss the idea of a cleaner Earth. But two paramedics stepped into the little clearing. Now that they were paying attention, Emmett and Renesmee could hear sirens in the background, blanking out everything else. The paramedics, one male one female, had green faces and the women two looked like she was going to hurl her lunch.

"Are… Are you alright sir and madam? We just got a call saying there was a crash" she asked and she put her hand on her stomach.

"Umm… yeah?" Renesmee said and she stepped over to help the poor women out.

The male went over to Emmett who was starring at them like they were seconds. He smiled sadistically. Renesmee smiled at him but hissed way to low for the doctors to hear, "Priorities!" Emmett stopped smiling and looked sheepishly at them.

"Yeah, we just kind of crashed Mr. - I mean my jeep." Emmett knew the paramedics would not understand his stupid nickname for his car.

"But sir, you're covered in blood."

"So?" Emmett asked.

"Here, let's just get you to the hospital, you were just in a very bad accident." The women cooed and she covered her mouth. Renesmee patted her back.

"No!" Emmett screamed and he looked like they where asking him to eat a whole cow.

"Sir! Have some kind of respect for yourself." The male asked and he tried to get Emmett over to him.

"Wait, who's on duty, who's the doctor?" Emmett asked.

"Dr. Cullen." The female answered.

"Umm… yeah I don't feel so good, I think my arm is like broken or sprained or hurt." Emmett suddenly yelled.

"Fine, good then come here." The male answered and he escorted Renesmee and Emmett to the ambulance. He opened the door in the back and tried to usher Emmett inside but Emmett shouted, "Shotgun!" and jumped into the front seat. Renesmee climbed into the back with the female and sat down on the small cot. The male paramedic sighed and ran up front to the other seat.

He started to drive and Emmett stuck his head out of the window like a dog and let the wind fly through his hair.

"Wee-woo wee-woo, we got an ambulance here people get out of the way!" Emmett yelled whenever they met someone on the road.

Fifteen minutes later they hit the hospital, they probably wouldn't of taken so long if Emmett didn't make the paramedic stop every five minutes by adding comments like, "Ooh, he looks like he's in pain," or "Holy Crap! Ebola breakout!"

The female tried to usher Renesmee onto a stretcher but Emmett intervened. He jumped onto it first and sat down like a king, with one had around Renesmee's shoulders and one pointing frantically while he screeched, "Faster slaves!" through the hospital.

Finally they hit the operating room and the paramedics told them to sit down, while they waited for the doctor to come. Emmett jumped onto one of the operating tables and tried to look dead, his tongue was out and everything, while Renesmee took one of the medical robes off the wall and put on a nurse's mask and plastic gloves.

Renesmee was halfway to putting on all the lights around the medical table, and turning on a saw when someone stopped out side the door to talk to the paramedics.

There was a hurl and the women barfed into a nearby garbage can. "Sorry, I can't stand the blood." She murmured.

The new arrival looked at her and ordered her to go and see one of the nurses. His silver voice was charming and he looked at the door anxiously. Emmett grabbed a sheet from off a nearby table and covered himself with it. A second later, Carlisle stepped in.

"Renesmee, what are you doing here?" he asked and ran over to the sheet covered table. Renesmee shrugged.

"Do you like my lab coat? I think I look like a nerd but it's really comfortable." She started talking and pulled at collar of the coat.

Carlisle pulled off the sheet and groaned. Emmett was lying like a classic dead body, except his tongue was still out and he had his hands wrapped around himself like he was giving himself a hug.

Carlisle punched him in the side and Emmett opened his eyes and sat up. "I'm alive!" he shouted and Carlisle kicked him in the chest.

"No you're not."

"Anyway umm… I broke Mr. Jeep."

"So what do you want me to do about it? I should really punch you right now! I thought you were a patient, why are you covered in blood?"

"I ate a really, really, really, big bear!"

"Good for you, now get out." Carlisle yelled and he tried to push Emmett out of the room.

"Only if you give me some money so I can buy another Mr. Jeep." Carlisle sighed and took a few dollars out of his pocket.

"Here, now go." Carlisle yelled. And Emmett skipped out of the room.

Carlisle and Renesmee stood outside the operating room and tried not to make a scene. But one of the patients came over and asked Carlisle "What did you do to him?"

"Who, oh, that, he's always like that." Carlisle shrugged.

"He's always covered in blood?" the patient pondered.

"Pretty much."


	5. Rosalie made a fur coat

What if

Rosalie made a fur coat?

Jacob shuffled his feet into the Cullen's house and stumbled onto the large gold couch. He grunted and fell asleep almost immediately, well after cursing Leah to an early death actually. He rolled over in his sleep and his tongue fell out of his mouth. His back legs spread off the couch because he had been too lazy to change back into his human form.

Jacob dreamed that he was in a battle, a classic werewolf verses vampire battle. His legs moved like he was running and his tail was wagging. He didn't care if he was in the home of several vampires, in fact he couldn't care less. But perhaps he should have cared because a flash of blonde hair rustled the air as Rosalie appeared in front of him.

Jacob didn't wake up so Rosalie figured it was okay. She took a roll of duck tape out of her pocket and stretched it out viciously. She placed it against his skin, patted it down and ripped it off. Jacob didn't wake but Rosalie flew out of the room. Rosalie didn't stop running until she hit her room, where she locked the door and smiled. She walked over to her sewing machine and started to pluck the hair off the piece of tape.

Over the next four days, Rosalie sneaked into the room Jake was asleep in, and plucked out increasing amounts of hair. One day Rosalie finally had enough. She pulled on her werewolf fur jacket and flashed downstairs. She pounced around, flaunting her new coat and waved it in everyone's faces. Renesmee came downstairs when she heard Rosalie dancing and gasped. Rose smiled at her and tried to usher her upstairs.

Several hours later, Jacob awoke and went outside to meet Seth. Jake shook out his fur and started to run to where Seth was eating a newly killed mountain lion.

_I see what Edward means about this, it's so good, oh, hi Jake. _Seth thought and he smiled but let out a throaty laugh when he saw the advancing Jacob.

_Jacob, did you get in a fight with a lawn mower? _Seth asked.

_No _Jake answered, _Seth you idiot, what are you laughing at?_

Seth phased back to his human form and went over to Jacob. "Jacob, why does your fur say, Mutt, on it?"

Jacob ran back into the house and ran up to the Blonde's room; it was the only place with a big enough mirror. Sure enough there it was, Mutt, spelled simply with missing fur. He looked over on Rose's bed where she was laying, with a blanket of fur, listing to music.

Jacob phased back into his human form, he didn't care that he was naked. Rose screamed as Jacob pulled the coat of fur off of her. He slid it on, it fit perfectly, and raced downstairs yelling, "Only a blonde, never trust a blonde!"

Author's Note- there, I hope you like it. I just had the idea of how funny it would be if Rosalie was wearing a huge fur coat. Werewolf fur I'm guessing would be so warm and toasty, who wouldn't want to wear it? Review, you know you want to…


	6. Carlisle made Frankenstein?

Chapter 6

What if Carlisle created Frankenstein? CPV

_IT'S ALIVE!!! _

Frankenstein

"Carlisle, honey, what's that smell?" Esme asked and I shut the door of the garage quickly.

"It's nothing," I muttered and crossed my arms and started walking toward the house. I knew Esme would come, wondering what I was doing cooped up in a garage all day. It was just so, so, _fascinating_! A small black medical book from Dr. Snow had gotten me hooked on the somehow exciting area of resurrecting the dead.

No, not like us, not vampires. Nor, ghosts or demons, just a curious affect of electricity to a human body.

There was no way I was going to get away with this. I had been extra careful. Singing my ABC's in my head to escape Edward's ever careful talent, piece of cake. Or, it was a piece of cake until I ran out of languages. One hundred languages of my alphabet, English, Spanish, French, much too easy.

"Something is bothering you, isn't it?" Esme asked me and I took a seat on the stairs on the porch.

"It's nothing, just wondering about a patient, don't worry." I cooed and took her hand.

Then there was a loud bang from inside and Esme snapped up. "Emmett Cullen!" she screeched and slammed the door open, busting it off the hinges. I was going to have to go to the hardware store later. But for now I hassled back to my lab, or the garage as my family knew it.

My lab was all done up. As I said, I was being careful, not a hair out of place. Actually no where near a hair at place because if there was, somebody would know. I opened the little hatchet that led down to my own personal morgue. One body, well it was like a thousand bodies, all put into one like a horrible jigsaw puzzle.

"Come on now," I said and dragged the thing up the door way. I leaned it onto the medical setup I had temporarily made and grabbed a crowbar. I placed it against the door, so it was locked and turned on the electricity. This could never work, not even vampire venom could bring back the dead.

The sparks flew and I took a small rounded bulb of my own creation and strapped it to the body. Nothing.

"What the hell Carlisle?" Edward asked and as I blinked a few times I noticed that my son was strapped to the medical setup, jezz, how did I miss that? I backed up and hit a wall, knocking down my various medicals.

"You didn't answer my question!" Edward yelled and sat up, taking off the straps straight off the table as he did so.

"Well you see, I was just, just-" I stuttered.

"You were playing with a dead body! I followed you down here, when you left I took the deceased and buried it outside; apparently you were too focused to realize I'm not a petty experiment!"

"Happy Halloween!" Alice yelled and busted inside of the room, her pixie costume tight with newness. And she was sparkling; of course she had covered herself with glitter, now she could glitter in the dark as well as the light.

"Alice, just the person I wanted to see!" I smiled through my teeth and crossed over to her. "I was just making you a costume, well until Edward thought it was real and buried it outside."

Alice gasped and shook her head. "Edward you undead, wet towel! Get your butt out here now; you've got to pay for doing that to Carlisle!"

"But Alice, Carlisle was-"

"MOVE!" Alice commanded and kicked him out of the door.

"Bye Alice!" I yelled and shut the door abruptly.

Finally alone again I went back into the cellar and sat down. What? I asked myself as I turned my head and saw my dead body lying down in the corner. Edward! What a liar. I picked it up and totted it inside, regaining my confidence until I tried to strap the dead body in

"What the Hell is wrong with you today Carlisle?" Esme asked.


	7. Jacob battled the Dog Catcher?

What if

Jacob got the dog catcher called on him?

Jacob let out a throaty laugh and dodged the man. The human stumbled feebly and swished the large net in his hands. He cursed as he stumbled onto the ground and the wolf kicked dirt onto him and ran off into the distance. The dog catcher, in that moment made a promise to himself: that all these weird wolves would be erased from the people of Fork's memories. As if.

Jacob ran back to the Cullen's house. He knew that this was a stupid idea, I mean why would you go back to where the person who just got you in trouble? Jacob smiled to himself as Seth phased and joined his once solo argument.

_Please don't be too harsh, it's just Leah. Don't let her get on your nerves Jake. _Seth thought.

_She called the freaking _dog catcher _on me, that's the third time this week, and its Tuesday. _ Jake argued.

_She's a jerk, but-_

_She is the best werewolf in the whole world and could so beat any boys at racing. _Leah cut in. Jacob stopped in front of the house and laughed. Leah was sitting like a real guard dog in front of the door. Her tail was wagging and Renesmee was sitting next to her.

"Jake!" Renesmee yelled and she ran over to Jake and Seth. "And Seth!" She hugged them both and hopped onto Jacob's back.

Jacob nudged her with his wet nose and she laughed. Jacob licked her, from chin to hairline, leaving a long line of saliva up her face.

"Eww Jake, now I'm all wet." Renesmee sighed and she tried to use his mountains of fur as a towel. Jacob laughed and started toward the house. Seth came up behind him and Leah ran up beside Jacob and tried to trip him. Renesmee giggled as Jacob tumbled into the first step, leaving a huge dent in the shape of his head, ears and all. Renesmee hoped onto Seth's back as Jacob slowly got up and strutted up the stairs. Seth followed him.

Jacob changed into his human form and plopped down on the couch. The couch creaked and crashed into two pieces. "Oops," he said.

Renesmee came over to him and screamed one, harsh world.

"ALICE!"

"Renesmee, look what you did, why would you call Alice, she's gonna kill me." Jacob argued. "You know she doesn't like cleaning up."

"What makes you think I'm cleaning it up?" Alice asked as Leah sneaked away from the living room and up the stairs, her wagging tail kept hitting the family's tchotchkes off of carefully balanced shelves and mantle places. Leah smiled carefully to herself and slid into the visitor's bedroom she was now residing in.

"Well who's cleaning it up then?" Jacob asked and bit his tongue as he slowly backed out of the room and onto the porch. Alice stepped out and hung against the doorframe.

"ESME! Jacob broke you antique couch, and got mud all over the house!"

Right there Jake took off running with his tail between his legs. Even though Esme, along with her husband and the rest of the Cullen family had accepted him as family, he feared Esme. Not of her size, or intimidation. But because of her voice, he just couldn't stand hearing her upset or angry. Emmett enjoyed each moment of the monstrosity, maybe even Edward and Jasper when they got into their tomfooleries. Defiantly not himself though, it was just that mothering voice and maternal offering of thirds and fifths of cookies that made him melt.

Jacob looked over his shoulder to see Alice skipping around on the porch as Esme stood dumbfounded on the steps. Jake smiled at her and screamed that he was sorry, but kept running. At one moment he thought he heard footsteps behind him, but it was probably Alice prancing around trying to scare him.

In less then five minuets he hit the city limits and he sat down on the sidewalk, still in wolf form. He turned around, and felt a sharp pain in his butt; he looked around and saw that same dog catcher as before with a veterinarian's bottle of KOing liquid inserted into his backside, with a net around his body. He was unconscious in about ten second flat.

Jacob awoke in a small cage with a blood hound curled up around his ankles. He stood up and the bloodhound let out a heartrending cry and curled up against a St. Bernard in the corner that was eating some dog food.

"Jacob! What did we ever tell you about running away?" Leah asked as Jacob came to the front of the cage and pushed his wet muzzle in the bars. The guard came out with a large jingling pocket of keys. Jacob smiled and him and the other dogs whined at him.

"Aw, did you make friends?" Alice asked as she and Leah skipped to the cage.

"You know what, Alice?" Leah asked.

"Yes Leah?" Alice smiled at the plan.

"We'll take the lot!" she smiled at the animal rescuer's face as she threw a few hundred dollar bills onto the ground while thrusting the door open. Jacob ran foreword and gestured for the rest of the dogs to go foreword he followed them into the parking lot before they all hoped into Alice's Porsche.

Alice came in a few minutes later, dancing out with Leah who had about twenty documents in her hands. They hopped in the front seats as Jacob stuck his head in front of the car, and slobbered all over the front seat, and sat in front of Leah's seat as he stuck his head out the window and howled at bypassing cars, whose passengers stuck their heads in the air and often smacked themselves silly.

And they rode out into the horizon, with car crashes and slobber all over the closed roads and barriers made behind them to prevent future ideals and episodes of rivers of werewolf slobber on the road that was to be slipped on like banana peals to their soon impending doom. And this was all caused by the same people who brought you a hundred dogs peeing in your yard because you complained about your broken bones. Its tough making sense to magical creatures, isn't it?

Author's note: Like? Dislike? I'm sorry for not updating this story in so long, I've been preoccupied, long stories and all that jazz! Well, here's the seventh chapter in my upcoming story fanatic. No, I haven't given up on this story and plan to end with 50 chapters. Do you think this is smart, or should I abandon this story? Ideas? Send hopes, wishes, and those comical smiley skits via review. Thanks for reading!


	8. The Denali Sent a Christmas Card

Chapter 8

The Denali sent a Christmas card?

Merry Christmas to out Friends and Vampires!December 25

Hoping that you are well and all that you do, especially on these days. We're hoping that you can visit soon, there's a darling little vampire here by the name of Laurent. Do you happen to know him? Kind of French, name like a girl, dreadlocks? Well, he keeps complaining about some kid named James and somewhat. He's probally a distant relative and all those outré human things.

Life here is decent; we just held the triennial penguin hunt. This year we had a whopping 200,001 penguins! I think that's a new record.

I just have one small question for you, especially written to you Carlisle. Do you know if platypus is edible? A neighboring nomad tribe brought some, but they were of normal, red eyed vampires and we don't eat what we don't know where it's been. For all we know it could have been a petrified dead thing, full of disease, and fleas, and all of those weird parasitic things that are drawn to the common road pizza.

They could have picked it up out of the road, it was flattened enough, flat as a water erosed river stone, as flat as that cross-eyed porcupine I accidentally ran over last time I was in your town. Nasty little buggers, aren't they? Thrashed my tires all up, couldn't use the Jaguar for weeks.

Wishing that you'd visit soon, we're dieing to see you all, especially this human we've been informed about. Thanks again Carlisle, and the rest of the Cullen family.

Best wishes,

The Denali Clan (But mostly Tanya)


	9. Ancestry com happened?

What if

happened?

_**Ancestr .com, you never know who you're related to!**_

_Sometimes you should let things rest but of course it's never that easy, is it?_

"Come _on_!" Alice ushered her siblings foreword and they all pushed back as hard as they could. Emmett started biting at the duct tape bonding his arms to the handmade, truck-sized shopping cart that Alice had made for this special event.

Rosalie smacked the back of Emmett's head and he looked up and frowned a doubtful, dreary bloodhound face. Rose just smoothed down his hair and slapped his mouth away from the heavy-duty duct tape. Renesmee applauded from the top of the giant shopping cart and started picking stuff off of the shelves.

"Ah, silence really is golden," Alice purred as Edward made a struggling noise behind them.

Jasper looked down at his bonded hands and shook his head. He scratched on the duct tape on his mouth and shook it halfway off, he sighed relief.

"Duct tape is silver." He complained as he fell behind in the marching and got a piece of the sharp plastic wrapped off one of the store's shelves. He sawed off his bonding ropes and slashed Edward's off of his face. Edward grabbed his face and dropped to his knees in the middle of the aisle.

"You are going to die." He mouthed to Alice, then turned and smiled to Bella. Bella didn't have the same kind of torture as the other boys did, she was too well connected. She had slipped out of her 'come shopping with us now or you die' handcuffs and had them jingling in the pocket of her jeans. The prison ball and chain however was slung across her shoulder. When she asked Alice where she got it Alice had said, "Places I hope get blown up soon." The tag read Wall mart.

Alice had jumped the family with Rosalie and Renesmee and made them go shopping for all the things they had broken in the process of their lives. The house was starting to look like something you'd find in a shack in the middle of the swamps of Kentucky, where nothing came in or out except inbred children whose moms are also their sisters and their aunts are their grandmas. Children and horses named moonshine, nice combination.

Caught off guard, and thrown into random cars in total darkness, they were bounded with what they believed would be their FBI alien experiment suits and they were less gracious then a drunk macock during spring break. In a few minuets soon, they would probably be floating in specimen containers full of radioactive-green liquid the consistency of green apple jello.

Alice had her Porsche, Rosalie a red convertible, and Renesmee; although she was only about eight and 5' 1 she had her own driver's license and Jaguar, freshly shipped from a graveyard formally known as Ford. She was driving it as Shorty was in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, you just got to love the squeal of a blonde's surprise when they find that cars aren't just for the granddaughters of magicians, they were for Yankee fans.

The mall was supposed to be open only for three hours. It was Sunday, too bad. There was only one thing to do about that, shop till you drop, and that was Alice's life.

Rosalie stopped walking in front of the electronic section and pointed toward it. Alice squealed and ran into the hazardous zone. She attached herself with the grip of a full grown iguana onto a '56 inch plasma TV and made a noise that is both Bear Grylls and Les Stroud would require you not to make in the wild, in the fear of lions, and tigers, and, and, hippos.

"We have got to get this," she stuttered as she wrapped her legs around it so it was completely holding her up.

"Alice, Alice, Alice," Jasper muttered as he took out his wallet and riffled through it. He looked up again and jumped a little to see everybody was gone around him. Edward and Emmett were toying around with the Guitar Hero, and were scoring in the millions on "Welcome to the Jungle."

Rosalie was videotaping herself with Renesmee, and their tongues and funny faces were being displayed on a large screen, wrapped in a graphitized chain, hanging from the ceiling. Alice was muffling the TV's speakers with her arms, but the sing of an offbeat commercial brought her to her focus.

On the screen was a picture of a little girl coughing up small bubbles of soap. The image slid out focus, and into the darkness around the edges of the Telly. A little boy was playing with a hula hoop, and then did a back hand summersault-flip in it, landing rightfully and proudly on two feet without a fear, dream, or nightmare, of ending up in a hospital waiting room with a concussion. A teenager pole danced and song 'Happy Birthday Mr. President'. Her bright blonde curls bounced musically around her music.

Alice squealed as a bright voice charmed, ", you never know who you might be related to!"

Bella danced over and tried to rip Alice off of the screen, she wouldn't budge. Bella growled steely when a small black spot appeared on the side of the screen and the metal frame holding the side of the store together creaked with exhaustion. Alice slipped off and ran to the other side of the department, latching onto a sparkly, and very, very, expensive Dell Laptop.

The store was known for having good coverage. Well, that's what a good few dollars of firewall and the 'best coverage everywhere' guaranteed. After wondering for a second where exactly 'everywhere' covered, and if it was possible to blow it up, Alice logged onto the computer and hacked into the system's poor excuse for an internet. An unusually smiley-looking figure popped up to warn about prisons and police's nightsticks and Alice treated it with the force that most people treat killer bees: not very nicely.

A quick blur of images came up like something out of the Da vi ci Code. As it turned out, this computer really wasn't as young as the shiny black-beetled case suggested. A loud low beep ushered from the inside of the torture machine and Google's trademarked logo popped in to voice a request.

Ignoring Google's desperate attempt to make itself know, Alice clicked onto the blue search bar and typed in '.com', and clicked GO. Images flurried across the screen like a bad Sci-Fi movie original about pop ups from a blizzard in hell itself. Although pop ups usually only want your cell phone numbers for lonely perverts or for you to discover the 'hot babes in your area', or the many Viagra commercials in which boats are named after drugs that make men more proud and their stuck up wives pat their chest like they're prized Irish Setters. Things like this make people breed like gnomes, and while you're on the topic of gnomes, why not buy a signature one from New Zealand?

The website popped up and Alice typed in 'Cullen'. What would be their family's birth dates? Rosalie had claimed daily that hers was on February 14, but they were pretty sure he was lying. Her, herself had said it was four times a year, people had actually believed her. She left that spot empty.

She typed in their family's names and pushed go. A few hundred search links popped up and Alice sighed and clicked through them, signaling out her family's in the time it takes the average person to stand there dumbfounded, dripping saliva on the carpet.

Emmett's profile was possibly the largest on the whole program, ever nudist dance in the street, eating other people's foods, and puking that sed food all over random passerbys. After making a quick few clicks Alice discovered an old photograph of Emmett's great-grandparents. They were three old men sitting on the laps of women straight out of the family tree of the ugly step sisters. One with a large joyous unibrow was identified as Emmett's family; her name was Sexy Fox.

Emmett threw his guitar at Edward who took it in his other hand and played the two musical instruments at once. Bella cheered.

"Huh, who's that?" Emmett asked as he crouched in front of the computer, and after reading the family's ancestry, ran screaming, still crouched, out of the store, cursing his family the whole way.

Rosalie clicked on her link and found a picture of her fiancé killed, she found this hilarious. A few more clicks latter and there was a picture of a skinny blonde wearing all her talent on her chest, and dancing around in a bikini.

"Ah, grandmother, you never changed did you?" she sighed she nodded and ran out after Emmett.

Edward threw the guitars onto the ground and ran over.

"Bella?" Alice asked as she brought up her profile and expanded an old yellowing document. "It says here that your great- grandparents were on the Titanic, and the Hindenburg." Bella muttered an incoherent thanks, taking in all her family's lives in a split second.

"If I should ever have to see my life flash before my eyes, I'll be glad to know I know this." She giggled, before leaning into Edward and asking, "What's so funny?"

"I was on the Titanic," Edward smiled as Alice brought up his late family. "It felt nice to me, but I was told the water was quit cold."

There was a long line of photos explaining Edward's family. According to this program however, he was Edward III, it counted him as his own son every few years. The first picture was, as he said, him floating on his back in front of the Titanic's ruins.

The second was of him at a carnival holding a stuffed bear bigger then him, and he was handing it to Alice, whose face was alight with smiles.

"I still have that bear!" Alice exclaimed, as she took out her wallet and flashed a photo of her hugging it on her fluffy bed; the date was some thirty years previously.

The third and last photo was of his parents and Edward's face went somber, before smiling and pointing at Carlisle hovering in the corner of the photo with a distracted look on his face. He was peering into a bed right out of focus and a brown tuft of hair was shown flattened onto a patient's face. Alice jabbed her finger at the screen and uttered, "It's Edward!"

Edward took a closer look and nodded. "That's me,"

"My turn now!" Alice pouted as she clicked on the last link. A picture of a dark-haired woman identified as Cynthia popped up and as she giggled as her appearances were shown, almost cloned onto the girl's face.

"Let us see what she became," Alice muttered, highlighting a passage on the screen. "-She latter became a four-star cook before killing everyone in her restaurant with a single glance. She is now locked in a small one roomed prison in the Bermuda Triangle, for the fear she will magically turn into a Basilisk and kill us all. Right now it seems likely because the Bermuda Triangle is close to Florida and Florida holds many nude sunbathers, whether we like it or not. I fear we will all die of our eyes throwing up our spleens."

Alice ran out of the store with the huge TV, trying to kill everyone in the store with her glances.

"Some things are better off unknown." Edward sighed as he shut the computer off and he and Bella skipped out of the sore, discussing the Titanic and if they should go take a swim to it.

Renesmee jumped out from behind an aisle and screeched a loud hiss before running out of the store screaming, "The titanic was brilliant, but I'm special!" She jumped into her Jaguar and ran Edward and Bella over, right before they jumped into the ocean.

She later hung them up on the wall and began telling their stories as fish stories.

Author's note:

Sorry if I offended anybody from Kentucky.

Indiana Jones is awesome, if you have never seen it, I suggest you get yourself over right now; I don't care if it's four in the morning, to the nearest Blockbuster and get a copy. It will make your life fifty times better.

"Should one of my what ifs be of Edward on the Titanic? Or would it make a good full story? Should I just shut up and not write it?"

Thank you, and make sure that you vote on my poll and say hi!


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